On the Road

Beanie Baby toys were selling for $5.95 at the hotel gift shop where I had just checked in. A customer was pawing through the koala bears, giraffes, and monkeys. “Ooh,” she cooed, “You have cocker spaniels; I've been looking everywhere for cocker spaniels!”

“Those are $12.95,” said the cashier, ringing up my Diet Coke.

“But they're smaller than the kangaroos—are you sure they cost more?” pleaded the Beanie Baby aficionado.

“Yep. Those are cocker spaniels. Everybody wants a cocker spaniel.”

“Excuse me,” I interjected, “is there an exercise room in the hotel? I just got off the plane from Los Angeles and I feel like a slug.”

“Of course we have a fitness facility,” she retorted. “Fifteen dollars a day, with a towel. But the pool's free.”

“Darn,” I said. “I didn't bring a bathing suit. And I only stair-step for about 10 minutes. Can I slip in for free?”

“Nope,” said the cashier emphatically. “Nobody brings a bathing suit here; that's why the pool's free. Fifteen dollars a day for everybody, but you can spend the whole day if you like.”

“Any place to stretch my legs around here?” I rejoined, thinking it must at least be free to take a walk.

“Oh, no,” said the cashier. “Nobody walks around Chicago in January. You can't go out. Call the concierge and he will arrange transportation to the local mall. Everybody calls the concierge and goes to the local mall.”

“Thanks a lot,” I said. I would go instead to my room and download my e-mail and, as always, …